Winter weather

It said it was supposed to rain, but in the end it decided to snow. I wish i could describe the beauty of each individual snowflake, their gorgeous patterns and intricate crystals woven together in one tiny drop among an enormity, btu i would be lying. Really, it just showers down. Like icing sugar almost, shaken through a sieve and powdering the ice-slicked roads with a fine layer.
I sound cliche. I hate cliches. I hate lack of originality and inspiration... I spend my entire life trying to be just that little bit different. I used to want to fit in- desperately so- and it took me years to realise that if you fit in it means you're never noticed, and what is the point in living a life where you no one looks twice at you, you never make a difference? Show off your divergence. Broadcast it to the world.

Fading faster than the speed of light.

Its not rare that i wonder if i honestly have an inability to cry. So long spent pushing the screeching rip of hurt, and the bubbling of anger, and the dusty tangle of confusion to the back of my mind, that i've forgotten how to not push them away. Forget it, and you won't have to feel it. I can't even remember the last time the rushing of emotions made its way to my eyes and made them sting with blurry tears. I feel everything, raw and cutting-edged, but i can never do the slightest thing about it.
At the moment i can only see the world as potential that i can't reach, brightness that i allow caffiene to fake for me and the impact that just existing makes.

To battle is the only way to feel alive.

Empty

Today's been one of those days where i feel completely empty. Hollow, like an easter egg. I'm so tired of everything that i'm worried i might smash into shards of glass that wink in the sunlight that seems to dominate every day with it's piercing cold. I had an MRI scan yesterday- wow, was it only yesterday?- and in the years i seemed to spend in that tiny beige tunnel, trying to make patterns out of the whirrs and bangs that bounced off the confined space around me; i couldnt help but feel a little claustrophobic, and it made me think how much i feel like that anyway. MRI tunnel or no MRI tunnel. There are so many people that just feed off my energy! Why am i so tired all the time?

I have two weeks until my ballet exam. The harder i try to work the less incentive i can find to do any. A week ago i was treading water. Now i just feel like i'm drowning in it.

Realise

re·al·ize   /ˈriəˌlaɪz/
[ree-uh-lahyz]
verb

1.To grasp or understand clearly.
2.to make real; give reality to (a hope, fear, plan, etc.).
3.to bring vividly to the mind.


I understand, now, that I've been lying to myself for a long time. I admitted it once, and pushed at away again; hid it in that little golden padlocked chest in my head and tried to lose the key. Swept it under the rug, as it were. You can't lie to yourself. I suppose i always knew, somewhere in the mislead wanderings of my mind that it's true, and also that there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. caught up in a spider's web of complications- wishing I could wriggle free and knowing at the same time someone will get hurt whichever way i go. If i just make sure that person is not you, I've said to myself, then everything will be okay. Eventually.

Thats a lie as well. Grin and bear it, shovel instinct to one side, and hope, just hope, that the spider's web will untangle.

If you make a promise to yourself, you have to keep it. No matter what.